Falling Out Of Love With Gaming

Hi everyone! This is a different one. The deputy editor of Edge was asking on Twitter for reader-submitted letters, and I had an idea mulling around in my head that was just bursting to be expressed, so I sent one in. It'll be printed in Edge 394, but I thought more about it, and the response to Conall's Editor's Note column... and figured that maybe you would like to read it too.

Dear Edge,

I have fallen out of love with gaming, and fallen in love with games.

Stop me if this sounds familiar: You've loved games for most of your life, and kept on top of them for years. Once upon a time, it was easy to know gaming. Each major release you formed an opinion on, even if you didn't play it. One magazine was all you needed to understand all of the PS2's library. As time marched on, the advances were astounding. More games, bigger, and better. Before you knew it, your backlog was overflowing. Years passed and games you were excited to play new are now long beyond that dreaded 10-years-makes-it-retro point.

Gaming became a stressor for me, as keeping up with discourse demanded dedication and sacrifice. A weekend with friends is another promising indie unfinished, and a week away kills the fresh memory of a JRPG's story, rendering a 30-hour save worthless. Recently, I understood what had changed - to me, anyway. Gaming is no longer one subculture, but a colossus compromised of many others. For us in our 30s or older, who used to know it all, this is new. Now, we have to specialise. Pick our sub-class, maybe.

So, Cyberpunk 2077 goes unplayed. As does Baldur's Gate 3, and Spider-Man 2. Great games, to be sure, but my heart is too full. I no longer love gaming as I once did, but in accepting that, I can love games more. To Blasphemous 2, Pseudoregalia, Hi-Fi Rush, Harvestella, Dragon's Dogma, Ace Combat 4, even Ongeki, in arcades in Japan - my specific tastes are mine, and I now have the time to appreciate each of them fully. GTA VI will come and go, and I won't spare it a thought.

May each reader find their own niche,
Matt Lagan

I'll expand on it for you here, since I'm afforded more than 300 words.

It's obvious, when you're part of a gaming news channel, you'll spend your time and energy thinking about gaming news - and gaming as a whole. I always had naturally, and I thought I always would in the same fervent. full-bodied way. But as time passed, I realised how much of my energy was lost to something I only cared partially about. As I grew older, I started to care less about my niches, because I didn't give them the time they deserved. The need to keep up with games put a pause on my recent Xenogears playthrough - what am I doing with myself that I'm not letting myself play Xenogears?!

It only hit me recently, as I watched one of the best years for released videogames pass me by. Between work, long gym sessions 3+ times a week, and other hobbies, it was just impossible to play even the must-play games of the year.
I realised that it's been this way for a long time, I just didn't notice it. My Steam backlog is colossal, there are more games on the PS+ catalogue I want to play than I ever could dream of getting through, and that's before I even give each a fraction of the time and love they deserve.

I remembered a time long ago, when I would love a game. When one game would occupy my mind for weeks at a time, and through that spaced repetition, I would remember it for years to follow. Then a few weeks back, when I got about thirty minutes into playing Timespinner for what I thought was the first time, it hit me: I had actually played it to completion about 4 years ago. I just remembered almost nothing of it. Compare that to my vivid and vibrant memories of Cave Story, a much shorter game I played much longer ago, and something feels off. I think meaning is found in depth, and with so many games to play, it's impossible to not experience them all in a shallow way. To finish one, then move to the next with haste, isn't where I find joy. I'd rather love deeply.

So I fell out of love with gaming, and instead I'm trying to love games more. I want to let each game find a permanent spot in my mind, because I think that's when they begin to matter to me.

Which, unfortunately, means I'm going to miss out on beautiful experiences. But I should be able to appreciate the ones that are made for me much more. I'll crawl into my niche and treat them with the care they treat me. My Metroidvanias, my JRPGs, my rhythm games, WoW, of course, and FF14. Maybe I'll get back into visual novels!

Without the pressure to play more, I might even have the time to play Witch on the Holy Night (aka Mahoyo) which is a classic VN finally being released on PC in English by Type-Moon, known for Fate/Grand Order and Tsukihime. They barely marketed it!

I haven't read a VN proper in what might be twelve years. So I ask myself why, and I don't have a satisfying answer - except I was doing other things. Yet the most emotionally affecting experiences in my life came from reading Fate/Stay Night, and Saya no Uta, and Planetarian. Even Katawa Shoujo, and a few more I won't name, because they got a little too dark. Now, I'm beginning to understand those other things I was doing were probably less important.

Writing this took a turn I didn't expect. I forgot I felt so strongly about VNs until I dredged these memories up. I have one other recent example that's a game proper, and I'll need you to trust me on this one.

One night, I spotted Poison Control by Nippon Ichi Software on the PS+ catalogue, and I gave it a try. I don't think NIS make great games, but they make games with a very specific style. That night, I sat up until 4 or 5 in the morning to get every ending, because it struck me like lightning. It was silly, it was sentimental, and most of all, I loved the vibes the creators put in it. It reminded me of a time years ago I played about 30 hours of Hyperdimension Neptunia in a week and had a blast with yet another terrible game. A time I remember more fondly than most recent gaming memories.

Don't get me wrong, I still love the industry at large. I'll still be on top of the news, and the analysis of what's going on. I still think games should strive to be good, but I want to ensure most of my time is spent where, to be too much of a romantic, my soul belongs. Or to be normal about it: Some games are important to the world, but others are more important to me.

If you made it this far, thank you. I hope you found yourself either agreeing or disagreeing fervently, and maybe even examining if you love the things you ought to enough. Do you feel this way about delving into niches, do you prefer playing a bunch of games, or do you just... not think about it at all? Did you enjoy reading this? Let me know on Discord!